Warning: LONG Re: Three reasons why Superman Returns failed
by dar-el-2 1 day ago (Thu Jan 11 2007 17:57:03 ) Ignore this User | Report Abuse
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Ive bin a superman fan since the day i was born. I have a huge collection of books, dvds t-shirts and a few pieces of art and truthfully returns is the absolute worst superman film ever. A total rehash of the ORIGINAL classic story with some elements that make our hero into a coward, fool and someone not deserving of the title 'worlds greatest hero'. This is because the supposed worlds greatest hero left earth for five years on a pointless quest to find his homeworld leaving 6.5 billion people without a hero, the guidance or the inspiration we so desperately need. His ex girlfriend was left to bring up his kid, who to be honest should never have been born and his supposed greatest villain was released from prison to con someone out of their money, steal kryptonian technology and build a horrible looking island that would desrtoy america and then be sold to the surviving governments of the world. Get this straight its the most pathetic and badly executed story ever. Here's the story: Krypton exploded along with Rao (the red Krypton sun) that is why Kal-El is on earth. If it didnt explode ther would be no such thing as Kryptonite. If somehow a chunk had survived withe a few Kryptonians, they would have died because there was no sun to sustain life and the radiation from the giant piece of Kryptonite they were living on would have most certainly finished them off. The idea Clark would believe an article in the paper without investigating it further (cos lets face it he is supposed to be a multi award winning reporter for a great metropolitan newspaper)is even more ludicrous. The idea of him putting himself first is not what the superman is about. He is here to help us. Isn't this what Jor-El said and then was reused by singer "They can be a great people Kal-El, they wish to be. They only lack the light to show the way" Yeah a light that dissapears for no reason for five years. Then we have his return in which we learn Jonathan Kent, if he were alive, wouldnt have let him go. Wise man Mr Kent. Then we have an absolutely pointless flashback to when Clark was a kid. Serving the story in no way whatsoever. Would it have been better if we had seen him bury the ship and read the papers covering superman's absence? Nah. cos the story's still lame. Then he returns to metroplois to find his ex has shacked up with Perry's nephew and now is a single mom. Of course this kid is supposed to create distance between superman and his lost love cos as she now has a family, our supposed hero cant get back with her but it doesnt stop hom stalking her for a bit. Then we have the 'how do we get Lois and Clark back together during the course of the trilogy conundrum' Easy peasy. The kid just happened to be concieved just before superman left on his pontless quest, so therefore it must be his. (great now they're gonna make a friggin son of superman movie) Because of this our supposed hero skips work to have a few beers at the local pub. Probably to make himself feel better. (Way to set an example mate to young kids mate. Oh and since when did you even like beer?) Then we have the airplane sequence. An airplane and space shuttle are coupled together on on a test flight, loses power, (cos Lex's numpty of a henchman shaved of a bit of the father crystal they'd nicked from the fortress, dropped it in water and then grew a large crystal thing in some rich womans basement) and takes a nose dive. Putting all on board in danger. Coincidently the whole city lost power or was that the whole of America? I dont know anyway at that time more than one plane shouldve fallen out the sky, cos if one loses power they all will. and there's no way you're gonna tell me that that was the only plane in the sky at that time. Then our supposed hero saves the day by grabbing the wing trying to slow it down only to tear it off. Any numpty with even the basic knowledge of physics should know that if you try to slow it by grabbing the wing, its gonna break. It cant take the pressure. Why didnt he fly underneath and try slow that way? oh i forgot they're trying to make it exciting. Boy i wish theyd thought like that when writing the ending! So then he lands the plane in the middle of a baseball field during the game. Im not American so this may sound dumb but are baseball games played during weekdays or weekends? and at what time? wasnt it supposed to be midday? God knows. Anyway he then rips off the door, checks everyones ok, repeats a classic line while trying not to laugh (sorry Brandon)then flys off without helping to clear up the mess. Nice one mate. Oh and then for the 2nd time in 26 years Lois faints. Back at the mansion Lex is somewhat pleased with his efforts and gets ready to unveil his master plan. Back at the planet Clark meets his son (shh we're not supposed to know that yet) and his ex's new man who not only looks like him but flys... a plane. Missing someone are we Lois? Of course Lois brushes Clark aside cos he's rather a dull bloke, not realising that if she were to take off his glasses (and not change his hair stlye in any way) she would find the bloke that ditched her 5 years ago. DUH! Then she has a little converstation with him, taking out her frustrations by talking bout the returned hero as if he was him. Hmm i wonder does she subconciosly remember that they are the same guy? So then she gets in a cab, tells him her new address and heads home to which our supposed hero follows and plays the peeping tom/stalker. Then cos she says she doesnt love him, make himself feel better by helping those in need? Sorry son but you're not supposed to do that because it makes YOU feel better. You do it cos you have the power to help others, make them feel better and to lead by example. After all we're supposed to look up to you. Aren't we? Anyway after making himself feel better he tries to have a conversation with hi ex, to no avail. So when she sneaks off for a cig break, he follows. Now dressed as our supposed hero she asks whyd you leave us? Altough to me it came out as why'd you leave me alone holding our baby? His anwswer, i had to return home. What the home that we all know blew up when you were a baby? pull the other one mate! He asks why'd you write all those nasty things about me? She shouldve replied inst that obvious? You like so many other moral-less men left me holding the baby and the world without a hero. Why shouldnt i take out my anger by writing those articles? Then he takes her for a spin and says 'what do you hear' she replies ' nothing its quiet' he says 'I hear everything. you wrote the world doesnt need a savior but everday i hear people cring for one' So that gives you the right to play god does it? To leave knowing full well that you could be that savior and help those in need. Instead you're too busy being selfish by going on a pointless quest for five years and you honestly think people will wellcome you back with open arms? SELFISH ARROGANT FOOL. so then he sets her down and meets with her again as his other self, all while lex steals Kryptonite from a museum AGAIN. (Although we didnt see it the first time) Whoop-di-do. Then he sets about his plan to launch the crystal covered in kryptonite into the sea and build a giant Kryptonite island. Then he's gonna sell it as real estate? Who the hell would buy a piece of that big black/gray piece of muck? what sort of plan is this? and why's he wearing a big white coat? you a doctor or mad scientist or summat? oh wait you were in your first comic book appearance. so guesss that ok. Anyway Lois and the brat sneak aboard the boat and are captured, prompting the greatest criminal mind of our time to reveal his lame ass plan. Then he leaves lois and the brat in the care of his lame psycho henchman. Who later tries to kill lois after he catches her using the onboard fax to tell her new man and her supposed hero ex where she is. She gets whooped even though we all know the real Lois who is the army brat daughter of a general in the US military would kick that guys ass no problem. Instead she's saved by a piano which is thrown by her son at her attacker, killing him. A superkid that kills. Dad would not be proud since he doesnt kill. Then having created his island, lex jumps ship and leaves her and the kid to die cos the ships about to be split in 2 like the Titanic. But wait they're saved by her supersubstitute of a Fiancee, oh too late, All 3 are now in danger cos the doors closed on them and the ships sinking. But then theyre save by the supposed hero and are dropped off by the fiancees seaplane. This is after the lame 'look kid this will be you doing this someday' legacy closeup shot. Then supposed hero goes off to confront his enemy, not knowing he's an island partially made of the one substance that can kill him. Duh. He then after landing on the island he becomes weak and gets his butt kicked by 4 mortal men. Some Superhero! Stabbed with Kryptonite and left to drown (AGAIN) he's rescued by a woman (AGAIN). She removes the kryptonite (AGAIN) and he goes off to throw something, in this case the island, into space (AGAIN). Talk about deja vu. Or is that i cant come up with my own idea so ill rip off a classic? Anyway he throws it into space, (even though earlier when he landed on it he was really weak and he wasnt even touching it) killing 3 of the men that beat him up ( and i thought you didnt kill? Why'd they have to die you supposed hero?) and then falls to earth. He's taken to hospital while lex and his girl have escaped to a tiny island they cant get off of. While our supposed hero heals in hospital, his ex and the brat visit him. While the brat runs his finger over the symbol that once meant hope (and now has lots of pointless tiny symbols engraved in it proving why this film should not get an oscar), She wispers the brats yours. When you wake up i expect you to take responsibility and pay child support. Well if it were really happening she would. She then leaves and when he's all healed he visits their brat. Puts his hand on his head and repeats what his father once told him.(why is beyond me cos the son becomes the father, the father becomes the son has absolutely nothing to do with Kal becoming a dad) Then he says bye to the ex saying ill never leave you again. You sure about that buddy? Returns is nowt but a pile of garbage and that is coming from a fan. A true fan who still believes in Truth, Justice and the American way even if our supposed hero doesnt. And i swear if they make a sequel where Brainiac comes to earth, teams with lex and kidnaps the brat or if the brat himself puts on a cape and becomes a sidekick, then they have truly killed the greatest hero of them all! This is Dar-El signing off hoping the rest of my nightmare doesnt come true.
by dar-el-2 1 day ago (Thu Jan 11 2007 17:57:03 ) Ignore this User | Report Abuse
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Ive bin a superman fan since the day i was born. I have a huge collection of books, dvds t-shirts and a few pieces of art and truthfully returns is the absolute worst superman film ever. A total rehash of the ORIGINAL classic story with some elements that make our hero into a coward, fool and someone not deserving of the title 'worlds greatest hero'. This is because the supposed worlds greatest hero left earth for five years on a pointless quest to find his homeworld leaving 6.5 billion people without a hero, the guidance or the inspiration we so desperately need. His ex girlfriend was left to bring up his kid, who to be honest should never have been born and his supposed greatest villain was released from prison to con someone out of their money, steal kryptonian technology and build a horrible looking island that would desrtoy america and then be sold to the surviving governments of the world. Get this straight its the most pathetic and badly executed story ever. Here's the story: Krypton exploded along with Rao (the red Krypton sun) that is why Kal-El is on earth. If it didnt explode ther would be no such thing as Kryptonite. If somehow a chunk had survived withe a few Kryptonians, they would have died because there was no sun to sustain life and the radiation from the giant piece of Kryptonite they were living on would have most certainly finished them off. The idea Clark would believe an article in the paper without investigating it further (cos lets face it he is supposed to be a multi award winning reporter for a great metropolitan newspaper)is even more ludicrous. The idea of him putting himself first is not what the superman is about. He is here to help us. Isn't this what Jor-El said and then was reused by singer "They can be a great people Kal-El, they wish to be. They only lack the light to show the way" Yeah a light that dissapears for no reason for five years. Then we have his return in which we learn Jonathan Kent, if he were alive, wouldnt have let him go. Wise man Mr Kent. Then we have an absolutely pointless flashback to when Clark was a kid. Serving the story in no way whatsoever. Would it have been better if we had seen him bury the ship and read the papers covering superman's absence? Nah. cos the story's still lame. Then he returns to metroplois to find his ex has shacked up with Perry's nephew and now is a single mom. Of course this kid is supposed to create distance between superman and his lost love cos as she now has a family, our supposed hero cant get back with her but it doesnt stop hom stalking her for a bit. Then we have the 'how do we get Lois and Clark back together during the course of the trilogy conundrum' Easy peasy. The kid just happened to be concieved just before superman left on his pontless quest, so therefore it must be his. (great now they're gonna make a friggin son of superman movie) Because of this our supposed hero skips work to have a few beers at the local pub. Probably to make himself feel better. (Way to set an example mate to young kids mate. Oh and since when did you even like beer?) Then we have the airplane sequence. An airplane and space shuttle are coupled together on on a test flight, loses power, (cos Lex's numpty of a henchman shaved of a bit of the father crystal they'd nicked from the fortress, dropped it in water and then grew a large crystal thing in some rich womans basement) and takes a nose dive. Putting all on board in danger. Coincidently the whole city lost power or was that the whole of America? I dont know anyway at that time more than one plane shouldve fallen out the sky, cos if one loses power they all will. and there's no way you're gonna tell me that that was the only plane in the sky at that time. Then our supposed hero saves the day by grabbing the wing trying to slow it down only to tear it off. Any numpty with even the basic knowledge of physics should know that if you try to slow it by grabbing the wing, its gonna break. It cant take the pressure. Why didnt he fly underneath and try slow that way? oh i forgot they're trying to make it exciting. Boy i wish theyd thought like that when writing the ending! So then he lands the plane in the middle of a baseball field during the game. Im not American so this may sound dumb but are baseball games played during weekdays or weekends? and at what time? wasnt it supposed to be midday? God knows. Anyway he then rips off the door, checks everyones ok, repeats a classic line while trying not to laugh (sorry Brandon)then flys off without helping to clear up the mess. Nice one mate. Oh and then for the 2nd time in 26 years Lois faints. Back at the mansion Lex is somewhat pleased with his efforts and gets ready to unveil his master plan. Back at the planet Clark meets his son (shh we're not supposed to know that yet) and his ex's new man who not only looks like him but flys... a plane. Missing someone are we Lois? Of course Lois brushes Clark aside cos he's rather a dull bloke, not realising that if she were to take off his glasses (and not change his hair stlye in any way) she would find the bloke that ditched her 5 years ago. DUH! Then she has a little converstation with him, taking out her frustrations by talking bout the returned hero as if he was him. Hmm i wonder does she subconciosly remember that they are the same guy? So then she gets in a cab, tells him her new address and heads home to which our supposed hero follows and plays the peeping tom/stalker. Then cos she says she doesnt love him, make himself feel better by helping those in need? Sorry son but you're not supposed to do that because it makes YOU feel better. You do it cos you have the power to help others, make them feel better and to lead by example. After all we're supposed to look up to you. Aren't we? Anyway after making himself feel better he tries to have a conversation with hi ex, to no avail. So when she sneaks off for a cig break, he follows. Now dressed as our supposed hero she asks whyd you leave us? Altough to me it came out as why'd you leave me alone holding our baby? His anwswer, i had to return home. What the home that we all know blew up when you were a baby? pull the other one mate! He asks why'd you write all those nasty things about me? She shouldve replied inst that obvious? You like so many other moral-less men left me holding the baby and the world without a hero. Why shouldnt i take out my anger by writing those articles? Then he takes her for a spin and says 'what do you hear' she replies ' nothing its quiet' he says 'I hear everything. you wrote the world doesnt need a savior but everday i hear people cring for one' So that gives you the right to play god does it? To leave knowing full well that you could be that savior and help those in need. Instead you're too busy being selfish by going on a pointless quest for five years and you honestly think people will wellcome you back with open arms? SELFISH ARROGANT FOOL. so then he sets her down and meets with her again as his other self, all while lex steals Kryptonite from a museum AGAIN. (Although we didnt see it the first time) Whoop-di-do. Then he sets about his plan to launch the crystal covered in kryptonite into the sea and build a giant Kryptonite island. Then he's gonna sell it as real estate? Who the hell would buy a piece of that big black/gray piece of muck? what sort of plan is this? and why's he wearing a big white coat? you a doctor or mad scientist or summat? oh wait you were in your first comic book appearance. so guesss that ok. Anyway Lois and the brat sneak aboard the boat and are captured, prompting the greatest criminal mind of our time to reveal his lame ass plan. Then he leaves lois and the brat in the care of his lame psycho henchman. Who later tries to kill lois after he catches her using the onboard fax to tell her new man and her supposed hero ex where she is. She gets whooped even though we all know the real Lois who is the army brat daughter of a general in the US military would kick that guys ass no problem. Instead she's saved by a piano which is thrown by her son at her attacker, killing him. A superkid that kills. Dad would not be proud since he doesnt kill. Then having created his island, lex jumps ship and leaves her and the kid to die cos the ships about to be split in 2 like the Titanic. But wait they're saved by her supersubstitute of a Fiancee, oh too late, All 3 are now in danger cos the doors closed on them and the ships sinking. But then theyre save by the supposed hero and are dropped off by the fiancees seaplane. This is after the lame 'look kid this will be you doing this someday' legacy closeup shot. Then supposed hero goes off to confront his enemy, not knowing he's an island partially made of the one substance that can kill him. Duh. He then after landing on the island he becomes weak and gets his butt kicked by 4 mortal men. Some Superhero! Stabbed with Kryptonite and left to drown (AGAIN) he's rescued by a woman (AGAIN). She removes the kryptonite (AGAIN) and he goes off to throw something, in this case the island, into space (AGAIN). Talk about deja vu. Or is that i cant come up with my own idea so ill rip off a classic? Anyway he throws it into space, (even though earlier when he landed on it he was really weak and he wasnt even touching it) killing 3 of the men that beat him up ( and i thought you didnt kill? Why'd they have to die you supposed hero?) and then falls to earth. He's taken to hospital while lex and his girl have escaped to a tiny island they cant get off of. While our supposed hero heals in hospital, his ex and the brat visit him. While the brat runs his finger over the symbol that once meant hope (and now has lots of pointless tiny symbols engraved in it proving why this film should not get an oscar), She wispers the brats yours. When you wake up i expect you to take responsibility and pay child support. Well if it were really happening she would. She then leaves and when he's all healed he visits their brat. Puts his hand on his head and repeats what his father once told him.(why is beyond me cos the son becomes the father, the father becomes the son has absolutely nothing to do with Kal becoming a dad) Then he says bye to the ex saying ill never leave you again. You sure about that buddy? Returns is nowt but a pile of garbage and that is coming from a fan. A true fan who still believes in Truth, Justice and the American way even if our supposed hero doesnt. And i swear if they make a sequel where Brainiac comes to earth, teams with lex and kidnaps the brat or if the brat himself puts on a cape and becomes a sidekick, then they have truly killed the greatest hero of them all! This is Dar-El signing off hoping the rest of my nightmare doesnt come true.
Watching it again I was like: Wow! This movie is actually fun! 
