Superman Returns: The Abridged Script
By: Rod Hilton on Dec 3rd, 2007
Kind of old now, but I was forced to watch it at Thanksgiving, which reminded me of how terrible this movie is. It is truly, truly awful.
FADE IN:
INT. SOME OLD LADY’S HOUSE
An OLD LADY lays in her death bed, talking to KEVIN SPACEY.
OLD LADY
I’m leaving you everything I own, Kevin.
KEVIN SPACEY
Because I’ve provided you with love and affection during your final days?
OLD LADY
No, because I watched “Beyond The Sea” and now I think you’re Bobby Darin. Don’t get me wrong, though. The sex was great.
KEVIN SPACEY
Yep. We all get it. This is actually how the first Superman movie in 19 years is starting.
OLD LADY
Damn, this movie s**** already.
(dies)
Meanwhile…
INT. EVA MARIE SAINT’S FARMHOUSE
EVA MARIE SAINT — who apparently interrupted a game of scrabble that she was playing by herself in order to wash some dishes — looks out her window to see a spaceship hit the ground. BRANDON ROUTH exits.
EVA MARIE SAINT
Son, you’ve returned! And you’re somehow younger and skinnier than when you left. How was Krypton?
BRANDON ROUTH
S****d. Pretty much stayed in the hotel the entire time. I brought you back a kryptonite shot glass, though.
BRANDON decides to stick around the farm for a while for no reason before returning to METROPOLIS as SUPER-BRANDON ROUTH.
EXT. ANTARCTICA
KEVIN SPACEY, his idiot girlfriend PARKER POSEY, and his gang of moronic henchmen enter SUPER-BRANDON’S famous FORTRESS OF GODDAMN-IT’S-F*****G-COLD.
MARLON BRANDO (V.O.)
Hello son.
KEVIN SPACEY
Fantastic. The security system thinks I’m Superman. Now it will tell me everything I want to know.
PARKER POSEY
Kryptonians have the technology to grow crystal houses out of nothing, but lack even basic biometric identification? No voice recognition, no retinal scanning, nothing?
MARLON BRANDO (V.O.)
Not even a password, random woman who I will assume must be Lois Lane. Now, did you need something, son?
KEVIN SPACEY
Tell me everything about these crystals.
MARLON BRANDO (V.O.)
I heard: “Tell me ever sing, a boot. Three cry stalls.” Is this correct?
KEVIN SPACEY
(muttering)
F***, I hate these things.
(loudly)
No. Tell me about the crystals.
MARLON BRANDO (V.O.)
I heard: “Take me out to fast tails.” Is this correct?
KEVIN SPACEY
NO! F*** this, everyone grab a crystal and let’s get out of here.
MARLON BRANDO (V.O.)
Please hold while I connect you to an operator.
INT. EVA MARIE SAINT’S FARMHOUSE
BRANDON ROUTH flashes back to a bunch of pointless scenes where YOUNG BRANDON ROUTH learns that he has powers.
BRANDON ROUTH
Mom… why am I thinking about my own origin story?
EVA MARIE
Because Bryan Singer really just wanted to make a brand new Superman movie, complete with origin story and all. He was worried that ignoring the previous Superman movies would somehow be disrespectful to Richard Donner and Christopher Reeve, so he just went through the screenplay and replaced all instances of “arrives” with “returns”.
BRANDON ROUTH
Oh. So that’s why I “left” long enough for the world to “forget” about me. Well, I guess I’ll go to Metropolis and get a job at the Daily Planet.
EVA MARIE
I think you mean go BACK to Metropolis and get YOUR OLD JOB BACK at the Daily Planet.
BRANDON ROUTH
Yeah. That.
INT. DAILY PLANET - METROPOLIS
BRANDON returns to the office and is accosted by SAM HUNTINGTON.
SAM HUNTINGTON
You’re back! Well let me fill you in on what’s happened since the last movie. Kevin Spacey is out of jail, Kate Bosworth is married to Cyclops, and the world has adjusted to a lack of Superman.
BRANDON ROUTH
I see. Well, did Nuclear Man ever get himself off the moon?
SAM HUNTINGTON
Nuclear Man? Oh, I see. No, when I say “last movie” I mean Superman II. And when I say “Superman II”, I mean the Richard Donner version, which was never completed or released to theaters in the United States. Heh. We’re pretending the third and fourth movies didn’t happen because they s****d.
BRANDON ROUTH
As opposed to the first movie, in which Superman flies around the world backwards to turn back time? And the second one, where Superman suddenly has the power to create holograms of himself to trick other Kryptonians? Those two are so awesome that we dare not disrespect them by pretending they didn’t happen, but the other two are d** s***?
SAM HUNTINGTON
Exactly. The other two are unworthy to be considered canon.
BRANDON ROUTH
Yet this movie is supposed to be canon even though it s***s worse than the Superman 64 video game?
Suddenly, a plane that KATE BOSWORTH is on loses power and begins plummeting to the ground.
SAM HUNTINGTON
Oh no! If only Superman were to suddenly pick today to return to Earth and rescue Kate from mortal peril.
BRANDON ROUTH
Good lord, how has this woman survived without me for five years?
EXT. METROPOLIS
BRANDON ROUTH transforms into SUPER-BRANDON and just barely stops the plane from hitting the ground in the middle of a crowded baseball field.
KATE BOSWORTH
Oh… my… God…
SUPER-BRANDON
I know, you’re amazed that you’re still alive and excited to see that I’ve returned.
KATE BOSWORTH
What? No. I’m shocked by how terrible your costume is. Seriously, it looks like a set of child’s pajamas. Did you get that at K-Mart?
SUPER-BRANDON
Oh. Well, you look great. In fact, you look exactly 14 years younger than you should.
INT. DAILY PLANET
NORMAL BRANDON ROUTH returns to The Daily Planet and runs into KATE BOSWORTH.
BRANDON ROUTH
Oh, hey Kate. I heard you ran into Superman. Coincidentally, I happened to return today as well.
KATE BOSWORTH
Oh, great. Well, I should introduce you to my husband and kid.
BRANDON ROUTH
That’s it? You don’t think it’s at all suspicious that I happen to return from a five-year absence on the exact same day as Superman?
KATE BOSWORTH
Nope.
BRANDON ROUTH
Seriously?
KATE BOSWORTH
Dude, your disguise is a set of glasses. We’re f*****g idiots, relax.
FRANK LANGELLA
Alright everyone! Superman is back, which means you all need to make up a bunch of news stories about him! Get to work!
BRANDON ROUTH
Sounds good! And thanks for giving me my old job back, chief!
FRANK LANGELLA
Don’t thank me, thank the ridiculously godawful writing of this movie.
Meanwhile, KEVIN SPACEY steals some KRYPTONITE and SUPER-BRANDON stops a GENERIC BANK ROBBERY and rescues people who fall off of things.
SUPER-BRANDON
So Kate, I was thinking maybe you could dump Cyclops and have dinner with me. I’d love to get to know you again.
KATE BOSWORTH
Sorry, but I’m afraid this movie can’t bother wasting time fleshing out my character. This is a sequel, so there’s really no need for character establishment.
SUPER-BRANDON ROUTH
But you aren’t playing the character even remotely like Margot Kidder did. I’m just doing a Christopher Reeve impression for the duration of the film, but don’t you think we should spend some time re-establishing you since you’re basically a new character?
KATE BOSWORTH
Meh, the whole movie already feels like it’s just a bunch of kids playing comic book dress-up. The only person not sleepwalking through this thing is Kevin Spacey, who seems to think he’s playing The Joker.
SUPER-BRANDON flies into the skies and listens to everyone’s prayers, thinks about the time his father told him he sent his only son to earth to show humanity the light, and tells KATE that the world needs a savior and he’s it.
SUPER-BRANDON ROUTH
Hmmm… there’s something so familiar about these story elements…
KATE BOSWORTH does some REPORTING and winds up on KEVIN SPACEY’S BOAT.
INT. KEVIN SPACEY’S BOAT
KEVIN kidnaps KATE as well as her KID, just to remind us he’s an EVIL VILLAIN and not an ADULT-SIZED CABBAGE PATCH KID.
KATE BOSWORTH
Well, I guess you may as well tell me your evil scheme.
KEVIN SPACEY
Gladly. Basically, I stole some crystals from Super-Brandon’s castle. When put underwater, they grow into hideous, cold, miserable hunks of crystal land. I’m going to make a big crystal island and then sell the land.
KATE BOSWORTH
Oh my God, that’s insane.
KEVIN SPACEY
What, the fact that it will bury the United States underwater, killing millions?
KATE BOSWORTH
No, the fact that this is almost the exact same stupid scheme you had in the first movie. You were going to kill a whole bunch of people to drive up the value of land you owned then, too. I can’t figure out if this movie is a sequel, a reboot of the franchise, or a remake of the original.
KEVIN SPACEY
But this time, nobody can stop me! No military will be any match for me, now that I have this advanced alien technology.
KATE BOSWORTH
You mean the crystals? The things that can grow into land? That’s your secret weapon? They are crystals, right? Not nuclear weapons? You’re a f*****g idiot.
KEVIN SPACEY
(forgetting how to act)
WRROOONNNGGG!!!
KEVIN throws a crystal wrapped in KRYPTONITE into the water and creates A STUPID-LOOKING ISLAND while CYCLOPS tries to rescue KATE and s***s at it. Eventually, SUPER-BRANDON rescues them instead and sends them in a plane back to METROPOLIS. Then he faces off against the only creature alive who’s any kind of physical match for him: KEVIN SPACEY.
KEVIN SPACEY
You’ve met your match, Super-Brandon. You may have super-strength, flight, heat vision, x-ray vision, super-hearing, super-breath, and — if I remember correctly — the ability to throw your shield at someone and have it wrap a thin layer of plastic around them before disappearing after two seconds… but I have two Oscars.
SUPER-BRANDON
Then what are you doing hamming it up in this uninspired piece of garbage?
KEVIN stabs SUPER-BRANDON with a shard of GREEN PLASTIC and throws him into the water.
KEVIN SPACEY
Surely, there’s no reason to bother shooting him in the head or anything. I’m sure he’s dead now. Let’s hurry up and get back to doing nothing.
KAL PENN
Seriously, what is it exactly we’re supposedly doing? We’re just sitting around on this land mass, playing cards and smoking cigars. Are we trying to accomplish something? What are we waiting for?
KEVIN SPACEY
We’re waiting until the excruciatingly plot-driven story requires us again.
Suddenly, KATE BOSWORTH tells CYCLOPS to turn their plane around. She rescues SUPER-BRANDON and removes the PLASTIC PROP.
SUPER-BRANDON
Thank you for putting your five-year-old child in danger in order to help me. Are you sure you’re supposed to win a Pulitzer, rather than a Mother of the Year award?
KATE BOSWORTH
So what’s your plan for stopping Kevin Spacey?
SUPER-BRANDON
Well, I’m going to dive into the ocean floor and lift the entire crystal island into space, then throw it into orbit. Then I’m going to put a locking f*****g door in my fortress.
KATE BOSWORTH
That’s your plan? Lift an entire continent made of kryptonite into space? You remember you had trouble lifting a plane in the beginning of the movie, right?
SUPER-BRANDON
Well, I could try to just talk Kevin out of his evil plan, but I think the audience has suffered through enough inane dialogue about comic book characters already.
SUPER-BRANDON throws the continent into space. After his valiant self-sacrifice, his body goes limp. His arms stretch out to his sides and his feet are held together, in the form of someone being crucified.
SUPER-BRANDON ROUTH
In case anyone is a complete moron, I’m supposed to be Jesus.
(dies)
Just when you might think the movie can’t get any stupider, SUPER-BRANDON is rushed to the hospital, where he goes into a COMA. KATE wakes him with a KISS, because that’s what “The Complete Idiot’s Guide To Making Movies About Superheroes” says should happen.
INT. KATE BOSWORTH’S HOUSE - NIGHT
SUPER-BRANDON sneaks into KATE’S KID’S ROOM like a creepy pedophile, then whispers to the kid while he sleeps.
SUPER-BRANDON
So, your mom told me that I’m your father. You will be different. You will sometimes feel like an outcast, son. But if you play your cards right, you can grow up to be responsible for the safety and well-being of a whole bunch of ungrateful jerks.
KATE’S KID
(waking up)
You’re my dad? So, according to this movie, Superman had sex with a human woman, which possibly could have killed her. After she got pregnant out of wedlock, he not only skipped town, but skipped the entire planet. For five years. Now that’s he’s back and knows he’s a father, he plans on keeping his distance and letting me grow up an outcast. Basically, Superman is the worst father ever.
SUPER-BRANDON
Yes.
KATE BOSWORTH
Which also means the movie franchise is completely destroyed. Either the sequel will have to involve your son, which will make it as stupid and awful as this movie, or he’ll be forgotten about entirely, making you the world’s first superpowered deadbeat dad. If this movie doesn’t obliterate society’s love of Superman, nothing will.
SUPER-BRANDON
Hey, at least it’s better than “Smallville”.
END
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