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Post by Christian » November 15th, 2006, 11:29 am

I like all the SW movies. Is that so wrong?

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Post by ShyViolet » November 15th, 2006, 9:40 pm

I like parts of them, and I loved Natalie Portman in (but only in The Phantom Menace.)

And of course the Duel of the Fates....:wink:

Jar-Jar's underwater kingdom was cool....looked awesome even though he was an exhasperating bore.

And Liam and Ewan actually managed to evoke some kind of kinship despite the script, MUCH more of a bond than Ewan and Hayden ever had....:roll: Wish we saw more of their relationship and how they got to know each other in the first place....*sigh* :(
You can’t just have your characters announce how they feel! That makes me feel angry!

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Post by Ben » November 15th, 2006, 9:44 pm

Yes.

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Post by ShyViolet » November 15th, 2006, 10:18 pm

Also I love the way Ewan says "Your new Empire?" to Hayden in RotS. He does such a dead-on Alec Guiness!! Plus he gives him another dimension, doesn't just imiatate him.
Last edited by ShyViolet on November 16th, 2006, 12:41 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Post by ShyViolet » November 15th, 2006, 10:34 pm

Also here's another abridged script: Return of the Jedi (edited a bit for content) Also, it's the updated '97 version.
STAR WARS: EPISODE VI - RETURN OF THE JEDI: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT™
By Rod Hilton
FADE IN:

INT. NEW DEATH STAR

DARTH VADER enters and intimidates everybody.

DARTH VADER
So, looks like our DEATH STAR is becoming operational again. Glad to see we still kept the ridiculous name.

COMMANDER
Greetings Anni. I'm so glad you could come here and kill those of us who fail you.

DARTH VADER
Quiet fool. The Emperor is coming. Now I shall allude to the Emperor being even more evil than me, which will establish him as frightening before we even have to see him. That's good because he really just looks like a crotchety old guy with a bath robe.

INT. JABBA'S PALACE

JABBA appears to be smoking out of a large hookah.

JABBA
I am so f***** up right now. Whoa man, look how red my eyes are.
(begins laughing hysterically)
Oh man, you know what would be sooooo good right now? Those little rat-like animals I eat all the time! With some mustard! And chocolate icing! Awwww s***.

C3PO and R2D2 enter and show JABBA a message from MARK HAMILL.

MARK HAMILL
My costume makes me look kind of like a priest.

BIB FORTUNA
This guy isn't a Jedi. Notice how I speak Huttese to the largely English- speaking droids yet I speak English to Jabba?

The droids are taken away to act foppish and comical. We see droids being subjected to torture. Seriously.

JABBA is being entertained by various aliens including a hot green chick. Suddenly, a large number of very obviously CGI aliens partake in an overly long dance sequence. STAR WARS FANS hold their heads in their hands and begin to cry.

BOBA FETT
I'm f***** cool, by the way. See these chicks hanging all over me? S*** I rule.

A resuce attempt begins taking place.

BILLY DEE WILLIAMS
I will now pull down my mask. This serves no actual purpose here in Jabba's palace, and I am doing it solely for the audience. How long have I been here anyway? Couldn't I just have shot JABBA by now?

CARRIE FISHER rescues HARRISON. She then gets CAUGHT and put into a small gold bikini.

MARK arrives.

MARK HAMILL
Whoa, Carrie is ******* hot.

ALEC GUINESS
Oh man, you're gonna be so p*****d in a little while.

JABBA
Wha? Oh no! Mark Hamill! Er, wait. It's Mark F***** Hamill. Put him in the pit with the claymation monster. And be sure the monster has a huge black line around it! And try to shoot it in a different format so that it looks really stupid next to Mark.

MARK kills it. Everyone is taken to the SARLACC PIT. MARK puts a somewhat awkward-looking plan into action and escapes. Also, BOBA FETT is killed in a depressingly slapstick way.

CARRIE throws her chain around JABBA'S neck.

JABBA
Ahh, ya like it rough, eh b*****? I dig. Hey, wait a minute..

He DIES. Everyone gets away.

INT. DEATH STAR

The Emperor arrives.

EMPEROR
Where are my prunes?

DARTH VADER
They're in my chamber, my master.

EMPEROR
Excellent. Now, I've been thinking.. we can turn Mark to the dark side. This would result in two sets of a 6- comic book miniseries in which he goes to the dark side to beat me, but the first 5 issues are all plot establishment and the last issue ends anti-climactically.

DARTH VADER
As you wish.

EXT. DEGOBAH

MARK greets YODA.

YODA
Frank Oz seems to have forgotten how to do my voice. I now sound like Miss Piggy if she were a chainsmoking drunk.

MARK HAMILL
I'm here to complete my training.

YODA
Oh. Uh, I dunno I'm kind of tired. I guess you're done. Have fun.

MARK HAMILL
Then I am a Jedi.

YODA
Ha ha, yeah, sure, whatever. You have to fight Vader first.

MARK HAMILL
Er, but, last time you saw me you told me I wasn't ready to face him. And I haven't trained more since then. So why am I ready to face him now?

YODA
Arrrgh, leave me alone. You picked a bad day to come, I decided this morning I was going to die. Talk to Alec, okay? Now f**** off and go home.

ALEC GUINESS
Hello Mark.

MARK HAMILL
You said my father was dead, man.

ALEC GUINESS
Ahh, well, when he became Darth Vader the man who was your father ceased to exist. So, technically, Darth Vader killed your father. See? It wasn't a lie.

MARK HAMILL
That's f****** weak.

ALEC GUINESS
Oh yeah? Well Carrie is your sister! Ha ha!

MARK HAMILL
(vomiting)
Oh gross!

INT. REBEL BASE

Everyone has met to plan an attack on the new DEATH STAR.

GUY WITH FISH HEAD
Ok, so we're gonna blow this up again. It's being protected by a shield on Endor. There you will see cute little teddy bears. Good luck!

EXT. ENDOR

Everyone is making their way toward the DESTINATION.

CHEWBACCA
I'm going to repeatedly make obnoxious sounds now. Nraaayh!

All HELL breaks loose and a race through the woods results. We also get to see a little more evidence that stormtroopers are complete f****** morons.

Everyone is capured by EWOKS! The EWOKS think C3PO is a god.

C3PO
I'd love to use this to our groups advantage, but apparently I've been specifically programmed not to impersonate deities. This is a high priority in my programming. God- impersonating must be a serious problem with protocol droids.
(pause)
I'll do it anyway, though. Just don't ask me to impersonate clowns, anchormen, or truckers. That is strictly forbidden in my programming.

MARK HAMILL
I'm going to go try to convert my Dad. All of you can try to take down the shield generator.

Everyone goes to destroy the generator. A huge battle ensues between Imperial troops, the rebels, and the ewoks.

RABID STAR WARS FANS LIKE MYSELF
Ugh! This is the worst film in the series! These Ewoks! They're so childish and ridiculous and cutesy!

GEORGE LUCAS
Uh.. folks.. these ARE children's movies, you know.

RABID STAR WARS FANS LIKE MYSELF
Quiet! They are mature space sagas! Some of the greatest fantasy films ever made!

MARK HAMILL
I'd just like to mention that twenty minutes ago I had a deep conversation about the meaning of life with a green puppet. Anyway, I'm off to convert my dad's religion.

INT. DEATH STAR

MARK HAMILL
So, dad, whaddaya say we grab a brewski, go bowling, and talk about you not being such an a****** all the time.

DARTH VADER
Uh.. gee.. I dunno.. maybe we should ask the Emperor.

EMPEROR
Kill him.

DARTH VADER
Alright.

They FIGHT.

EMPEROR
You know.. I'm the one who gave the rebels the location of the generator.

MARK HAMILL
Er, you gave them the location of the ACTUAL generator? Not some decoy? I mean, isn't that pretty stupid?

EMPEROR
Quiet! Don't sass your elders, boy!

DARTH VADER
Hey, anyone ever notice how I sometimes talk and breathe at the same time? Isn't that weird?

EXT. SPACE

BILLY DEE and CREW have a space battle which is not particularly interesting.

EXT. ENDOR

HARRISON, CARRIE, CHEWBACCA, and a S***LOAD OF EWOKS have a battle which is stupid-looking and annoying.

INT. DEATH STAR

Interaction between MARK, VADER, and the EMPEROR continues. We want MARK to win because he is the good guy, but if he doesn't kill VADER he might be killed.. however, if he does kill VADER the EMPEROR wins. He can't kill the EMPEROR because VADER is protecting him. If he kills both, he gives into hatred and goes to the dark side. The dynamic is interesting and very tense. This cool, dark scene is repeatedly interrupted by the OBNOXIOUS EWOK BATTLE and the POINTLESS SPACE DOGFIGHT.

Eventually, the generator is destroyed. BILLY DEE can blow up the DEATH STAR.

MARK HAMILL
Dad, come on man, be good.

DARTH VADER
No.
(pause)
Okay.

He kills the EMPEROR. The rebellion wins! Everything is resolved!

MARK HAMILL
Well, it looks like we won. That is, unless you read the books or comics.

GEORGE LUCAS
It's worse than that, actually. Remember, I supposedly have plots for three movies that take place AFTER these three, which means some huge conflict is still unresolved. I won't make the movies, though. Hell, I won't even tell anyone what I'm thinking. Ha ha, f*** you all!
You can’t just have your characters announce how they feel! That makes me feel angry!

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Post by Ben » November 16th, 2006, 7:09 am

I love how these point out the absurdities of the plot choices. Great stuff.

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Post by Dacey » November 16th, 2006, 10:11 am

Look, the SW prequels don't have any dumb Ewoks. That alone is enough to give them a gold star, in my opinion.
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Post by ShyViolet » November 17th, 2006, 2:15 am

No, but they did have one very dumb Gungan... :roll:

And the saddest thing was, he was actually the most original thing in the prequels. :wink:
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Post by Ben » November 17th, 2006, 7:02 am

Clones is where it is at for me in the sequel prequels. You can't call them prequels as you can't actually watch the films in the "correct" way.

"I am your father"? Well, we knew that three movies ago!

With Clones, things got back on track, for a while. The whole set up was more intriguing, the unveiling of the Death Star (which doesn't actually make sense, but still a fun moment) and, frankly, the awesome start of the Clone Wars in the last half, is what put it up there tie-ing with Jedi or just above it in my book (below Empire and New Hope).

Simply put, Clones should have been Film 1. There's no need to know what "Annie" (haha) was like as a young kid (annoying) and create the bogus notion that he was an immaculate conception (something I was hoping would at least be explained by a Palpatine-interfering subplot). Start with Clones - make the audience happy they're actually watching a "Star Wars" film, and explain some Anakin background within this framework. Have him be an awesome young pilot with abilities that gets invited to join the Jedi at the half way mark of this Film 1.

Films 2 and 3 are essentially Sith, but spread out across the two movie lengths that film really needed. Start Film 2 at the same point Sith starts and let it run without the by-the-number pacing and having to pack everything in and have a longer than usual Star Wars film because he was running out of space.

Have Anakin start his real descent to the Dark Side at the end of Film 2. Create real tension!! Have Film 3 start with an "is he or isn't he?" vibe until he finally snaps and we get a shock to rival "I am your father" for the audience. Have the kids birth and the switch to Vader mode just after half way in the film (after the volcano planet fight with Ben Kenobi happens instead at the half way mark). Then let Vader turn real badass and mark his position and really set up the whole Rebels/Empire stance. End with a proper battle during which Luke and Leia are swooshed away safetly and Padme dies in a last ditch attempt to save Anakin Vader. Make it clear he doesn't know he has kids at this point!

Then close the film with much less of a rip off from the "following" film so that when Luke looks out on Tatooine's dual suns we then don't think it's a repeat shot and take it for the originally beautiful composition that it really is. Oh wait, I forgot, you can't watch them in that order anyway!!

Which all really proves that not only did GL NOT have the first three mapped out when he made the original trilogy, and that he didn't really even have Clones and Sith mapped out when he made Phantom Menace!

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Post by Josh » November 17th, 2006, 11:14 am

Hey, those are some good ideas! Wanna' direct Indy IV? :)

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Post by Dacey » November 17th, 2006, 5:01 pm

(something I was hoping would at least be explained by a Palpatine-interfering subplot)
That's actually strongly hinted at in the book based on the film.

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Post by ShyViolet » November 17th, 2006, 6:49 pm

Simply put, Clones should have been Film 1. There's no need to know what "Annie" (haha) was like as a young kid (annoying) and create the bogus notion that he was an immaculate conception (something I was hoping would at least be explained by a Palpatine-interfering subplot).
I always had this weird idea for rewriting The Phantom Menace. Please don't laugh! :roll:

Anakin is a young boy but he's a lot more moody and unsure. He's just discovering his powers when Qui-Gon and Obi find him.

Most of the story would focus on Qui-Gon and Obi's relationship and how Obi-Wan, like Anakin in Clones, is struggling for his own independence in relation to Qui-Gon, to push his powers to the limit. Obi-Wan also has mixed feelings about Qui-Gon taking on Anakin as a Padawan when technically he still hasn't finished his training.

Qui-Gon's interactions with Anakin contrast with flashbacks of when Qui-Gon first met Obi Wan, etc...

That's as far as I had it thought out. :wink: :roll: :oops:
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Post by Ben » November 19th, 2006, 8:41 am

Mickey wrote:Hey, those are some good ideas! Wanna' direct Indy IV? :)
Would love to. ;)


And what's the point of having a film where you have to read the tie-in novel to get the whole story?

And what's the point in having a film series where you have to have an entire TV show tie up the loose ends between prequel and original trilogies?

And what's the point... awwe shucks. :)

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Post by Josh » November 19th, 2006, 3:36 pm

Ben wrote:
Mickey wrote:Hey, those are some good ideas! Wanna' direct Indy IV? :)
Would love to. ;)
I'd love for you to do it too. :) Unfortunately, it appears that Lucas is never going to let Indy IV happen. According to this IMDB article, he keeps turning down the ideas Spielberg and Darabont develop, considering none of them to be good enough.

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Post by Ben » November 19th, 2006, 8:03 pm

Good. There's a part of me that doesn't want Indy IV to happen. The original trilogy was a product of its time: one at the front, one in the middle and one at the end of the 1980s.

Anything they make now will be tinged by technology and won't capture those glory days, however "fun" it is.

I think whatever Lucas touches is probably doomed. He should stick to telling new stories as he keeps saying he wants to do before sitting back and relying on more Star Wars and his other franchises.

He always said he should have done Howard The Duck with an animated duck. Now's your chance, George. I'd pay to see that.

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